I hate everything about me
by tripleParacosm
Summary: You really just don't want to be in anyone's way anymore. You're pretty much useless anyway and no one really likes you, so... why not? -I've migrated this from my DA account to here, so don't be weirded out if you see it there and here.-
1. Chapter 1

A/N: TP: This is my first fanfic here, on this site. I implore you take it easy on me, but suggestions and other forms of positive criticism is more than accepted.

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You know, you're really tired of having to deal with everyone's hoofbeast shit. You're really tired of having to deal with your own hoofbeast shit, honestly. It's not like these shitstains need you. Terezi could lead, like she was supposed to in the first place, until you fucked it up. You fuck everything up, really. Why are you even here? Why do you even bother living anymore? You should just cull yourself.

Which, is what you've been trying to do since you realized you're a complete waste of space and should have been culled the moment you were hatched. But, guess what? Other than being a shitty leader/moirail/friend, you're a complete coward and can't do more than simply swipe your wrist with a sickle and leave scars.

Your friends always joke with you, telling you to not be your own kismesis. They don't know what you do to yourself, though, and you'd like to keep it that way. At least, until you can finally go all the way.

You yell back a retort at Vriska, but it lacks the usual platonic hatred that used to bubble inside of you. It's not lacking enough for anyone else to notice, or so you thought. Sollux turns in his computer chair, facing in your general direction and raising a brow at what you can only guess is your tone. His sightless eyes are the thing that catch your attention, and all you can do is hate yourself more. This time, Vriska is screaming back at you, but you hardly take notice. You're too tired to fake it anymore, so you just leave without so much as a warning.

Sollux's blindness is your fault, you tell yourself, and it's that final push you needed, the final push for you to actually do it.

Your name is _Karkat Vantas_, and you are going to kill yourself.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: TP: I'll be trying to upload as quickly as I can, but here you go! Another update! Yay!

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You guess you should start from the beginning, but that's a little too far back for most of the readers' attention spans. You decide to simply start from the beginning of this stupid game. Now, you had hurt yourself before, but it had never been as bad as when this game started. The first time you cut during the game was immediately after you activated that curse code Sollux had sent you. You virtually, single handedly, killed everyone's lusi and doomed the game from the very beginning. That was the first time you cut deep enough to cause serious damage, damage which left you unconscious for twenty four hours that no one seems to remember or care for. That only fueled your belief of your worthlessness. If no one cared for you, than why should you?

It had been a while, but the second time you cut was the first time Gamzee went on his killing rampage. Your inability to keep your moirail under control was probably the thing that broke you the most. After that, faking your rage came naturally, and you cut every chance you got. Being alone was equal to hurting yourself, and that was it.

Now, the game is almost over and you've toned down the self-inflicted injuries a great deal. The reason as to why is because a few days ago, Gamzee was finally hit by the grief of what he'd done, and he came to you, a sobbing mess. You had done what any moirail would have done in that situation, you dragged him to your pile and cuddled him. He cried into your chest and later, you cleaned up his makeup and changed his still bloodied clothes. When he awoke, he had apologized and left.

It became a routine thing and, more often than naught, you could be found with Gamzee than alone. But, whenever you were alone, you'd go back to your old ways and hurt yourself time and time again. You were ashamed because the moirail who trusted you with his most intimate secrets, you would never tell your biggest secret. He had confessed to you so many things, and here you were, hiding your hatred for yourself. If at any time you finally get the bravery to end your pathetic existence, you pray to whatever being is out there that someone else takes care of Gamzee the way you do.

Today, Serket has decided to black flirt with you and if you didn't hate yourself so much, you'd probably go for it. She is a pretty detestable troll. But you can't find it in yourself to do anything but throw empty insults back at her. You had learned sweeps ago how to hide your hollow self, but today you were especially exhausted. You yell back another insult, but this time it's really hollow. No one notices, though. Or, at least that's what you thought.

Sollux turns in his computer chair and faces your general direction and raises a thin brow at what you can only guess was your tone. You audibly gulp when you catch sight of his empty eyes and all that goes through your head is _It's all your fault_ which is a dirty lie, but your psyche doesn't know it. Not with how vulnerable you are at the moment, everything is your fault. You look back at Vriska as she screams at you, but you can't even fake it anymore.

_Sollux's blindness is all your fault_ you tell yourself. And it's the last straw, the last push.

You're finally going to do it.

You,_ Karkat Vantas_, are going to kill yourself.


End file.
